My Friend Kim

HTML clipboardMy Friend:

She’s brunette.

I’m blonde.

She’s skinny.

I’m not.

She’s quiet.

I’m loud.

She’s tactful.

I’m rude.

She’s outdoorsy.

I’m indoorsy.

She’s responsible.

I try.

She’s a mother of 3.

I can barely keep 3 plants alive.

She joins clubs.

I’m anti-social.

She’s smart.

I’m a smart-ass.

She played sports in school.

I’m opposed to sweating for no good reason, and no, winning a game or race is NOT a good reason.

She played in the band for many years.

I played in the band for two weeks, two weeks too long.

She was like a magnet for cute high school lads.

I was like the plague to all males the instant they hit puberty.

She liked boys, and boys liked her.

I liked boys, and boys liked her.

She liked slasher movies in the 80’s so she could have a studly boy to cling to.

I liked scary movies in the 80’s so I could see the studly boys get slashed.

She has a lot of pets.

I like the Discovery Channel, that’s as close as I need to get to animals.

She doesn’t like to rock the boat.

I like to shake it till it falls apart.

She tells her sons “Don’t get your good clothes dirty.”

I say, “It’s just dirt, that’s what Tide is for.”

She likes nature up close and personal.

I still say the Discovery Channel is close enough.

She likes country music.

I like country music if I can’t hear it.

She barely touches her computer.

I barely touch anything else.

She had a perfect complexion as a teenager, no pimples.

I had the complexion from hell, my pimples had pimples.

She went to cosmetology school and learned how to make a living.

I went to collage and learned how to drink mass quantities of beer.

She likes movies that entertain and make people happy inside.

I like movies that confuse and depress me for days.

Bad news: Her first marriage sadly ended after 14 years…. Good News: 3 perfect children.

Bad news: My first marriage sadly ended after1 year…. Good News: My first marriage ended after 1 year.

She’s an optimist, so everything will be ok.

I had some optimism once, but I misplaced it, so I’m doomed.

She likes to shop for new fashionable clothes.

I know fashion exists, just not on my body. I’ll just shop for what fits me, frozen pizza and DVD’s.

She lives over 30 miles from the nearest McDonalds.

Oh my God, she lives 30 miles from the nearest McDonalds!

She makes homemade food for family gatherings.

I bring Kentucky Fried Chicken and Oreos.

She lives in the country outside a town with a population of 400.

I live in the middle of a town with a population of 40,000.

She handles traffic like a lady.

I’d like to think I handle it well. Stupid tailgating, cell phone talking, no turning signal jerks.

She does dishes by hand.

Oh my God..she does dishes by HAND!

She’s had nice fingernails forever.

I’ve had fingers forever…the nails are just whatever’s leftover from the day’s nibbling.

She likes trashy novels and True Love magazine.

I think they make nice kindling.

Her romance is unexpected roses, sweet talk and a surprise down-on-one-knee proposal.

My romance is unexpected upgrades, movie talk and having our bed made for me everyday. (the one knee proposal is pretty slick though!).

She likes a man who drives a truck, owns a farm, and wears jeans with cowboy boots.

I like a man who digs BMX bikes, owns several computers, and wears soccer shorts with tennis shoes.

She usually agrees with people just to be polite.

I only agree with people if I’m too tired to argue.

She’s funny.

I’m weird.

She spends her Saturdays at ball games, functions, gatherings, events with large crowds of people.

I spend Saturday sleeping, quietly playing on the computer and watching movies, very far from large crowds of people.

She has a long slender face with big dark eyes, a tiny little nose, luscious lips, dainty narrow chin, and a graceful neck which accentuates her elegant shoulders and beautiful body.

I have a round face on the front of my round head and a handy thick neck to attach it securely to my round body.

She’s had to deal with breast cancer, a mastectomy, chemo therapy, losing her hair and all the pain that goes with it.

I have no idea what she’s going through, but I wish I could take it all out of her and put it in me.

She loves macaroni and cheese.

I love macaroni and cheese.

So that’s why she’s my oldest and dearest friend, because we have so much in common.

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